TEP1:REPAIR—PROCESSINGFIGHTS AND REGRETTABLE INCIDENTS
Couples often come into a typical therapeutic hourwithacombinationofsuccessesand“hot” regrettable incidents (conflict or failing to con- nect emotionally). These become one focus of therapy.Ouranalysesofover900videotapedcon-flictsinourlaboratoryandover1,000play-by-playinterviewsaboutconflictathomehaveledusto theconclusionthatmostofthetime,mostcouplesfightaboutwhatappearstobeabsolutelynothing(Gottman & Gottman, 2007). Conflicts usually arise from mismatches in perception and need ineverydayinteractionsthatveryrapidlyleadtomisunderstanding,hurtfeelings,escalation,anger,pouting,sulking,andemotionalwithdrawal.Oneorbothpeoplesayanddothingsthattheylater regret.Processingregrettableincidentssuchas theseisanessentialpartofconflictmanagement.We focus on the emotions and perceptions in these events.
Our“AftermathofaFightorRegrettableInci-
dent”formatinvolvesbothpeopleagreeingthatina regrettable incident there are two subjective real-ities, both of which are right.Even if we have peo-



pleviewavideooftheirinteraction,therewillstillbetwoverydifferentsubjectiverealitiesabouttheinteraction.Processingafightmeansbeingabletotalkaboutitwithoutgettingbackintoit.AsWil- liamFaulknerwroteinRequiemforaNun(1984),“Thepastisneverdead.Infact,itisn’tevenpast.”So, fortunately, it is possible to revisit the past andreprocesstheemotionalwoundscreatedin these regrettable incidents. This may require somephysiologicalsoothing.Thenthepartnersprocesstheregrettableincidentby(1)takingturnstalkingabouttheirfeelingsandneedsduringtheincident;
(2)takingturnsdescribingtheirsubjectivereali-ties; (3) validating part of each other’s reality; (4)admitting their role in the conflict, taking respon-sibility, and apologizing; and (5) talking about one way to make the conversation better next time.Thetherapistassistsbybuildingacceptance,empathy, and understanding.
Following these five parts of processing, the nextstepistounderstandthefightbymappingwhat wecall“theanatomy”ofthefight.Thisinvolves identifying the “triggers” for each person that escalatedtheconflict,andunearthingtheorigi- nalemotionalinjuriesthatcausedthem,usually datingbackmuchearlier,sometimestochildhood(i.e.,understandingwhythesearetriggers).Thesetriggersaremadepublicparlanceforthecouple,wherebythepartnerscanexperienceempathyforone another and soften their response accordingly.Thusanalliancebetweenthepartnerscanbebuiltfromunderstandingtheconflictitself.
Repairwillbeineffective,however,ifthecoupleisinastateWeiss(1980)describedas“negative sentimentoverride,”inwhichaccumulatedresent-ment renders understanding impossible to achieve.Then, additional work must accompany repair work.

STEP2:REDUCINGTHE FOURHORSEMEN
In our research (Gottman & Levenson, 2002), a 5:1positive-to-negativeratiocharacterizedthe conflictdiscussionsofhappilymarriedcouples, comparedtoa0.8:1positive-to-negativeratioofunhappilymarriedcouples.Someofthesenega- tivebehaviorsweremorecorrosivethanothers,and John Gottman labeled four of these behav- iors“TheFourHorsemenoftheApocalypse.”By heighteningpartners’awarenessofthefourbestpredictors of relationship meltdown, the Four Horsemenandtheir“antidotes,”thetherapistcanalso“gentledown”conflictinteraction.Some-
timesthetherapiststopsthecouplewhentheFourHorsemenappearandworksontheirantidotes, but not every time. For some couples, the Four Horsemenarewreakingsuchhavoconinteractionthatconstantlystoppingthemcouldrenderthe couple stone silent. So the therapist uses discretionaboutwhentostop,butalwaysdoessowhenthereisverbalcontempt(namecalling,directinsults).Ifitishardtostopacouple,somesimpletechniquescanbeeffective.OnemethodisforthetherapisttoringasoftchimewhenoneoftheFourHorsemenappears(especiallycontempt).Asecondistouseakitchentimertobreaktheinteractioninto2-min-ute segments, with feedback. A third method is touse video playback.